The past 5 months have been really depressing for me. And I don't usually tell this to anyone. I don't even blog about it.

I had been pushing my friends away from me. And I just woke up one day realizing that nobody even send messages to me anymore (except for some).

I even quit my Church youth group, stopped from participating Church activities. And I even don't want to see the closest of my friends anymore.

I can't explain why I feel like that. I feel so empty. Even my work right now is starting to feel like just a daily routine for me.

I don't know what it was... until it struck me.

I found some articles in the internet which could possibly explain what I feel right now:

They called it burnout. It's not stress. According to that website:

Burnout may be the result of unrelenting stress, but it isn’t the same as too much stress. Stress, by and large, involves too much: too many pressures that demand too much of you physically and psychologically. Stressed people can still imagine, though, that if they can just get everything under control, they’ll feel better.

Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough. Being burned out means feeling empty, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring. People experiencing burnout often don’t see any hope of positive change in their situations. If excessive stress is like drowning in responsibilities, burnout is being all dried up.

I want to take control of the situation.*sigh*

Since that day, when I went laptop-hunting with Onat some time last month, I got curious about Linux when the Laptop salesman showed me how powerful that Operating System is.

And then that moment came that I need to block all unnecessary downloads and chat programs within our office. It came to me an idea of building a server out of an old P4 PC. I started experimenting with Linux Ubuntu. It was a Church friend who gave me an idea about that type of Linux. And I found it very interesting! It's more than I expected from a free software.

I need a Proxy/Socks server so I could trace all internet browsing activities within our office. Too bad I can't get it configured to what I needed. What a newbie.

So I decided to try out another OS called FreeBSD (a unix variant OS). I've been hearing about it for years now, and from what I heard, it is superb in Internet administration. It's being used in lots of servers out there, and also known for having one of the longest uptime records for servers.

I still have to learn a lot though.
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Besides new OS's, I'm figuring out Joomla! and OScommerce for our websites. This is PHP programming. Thanks to Nico for giving me these ideas.

Kung meron mang sigurong kulang na naituro sa akin ang simbahan (o marahil, hindi lang ako nakikinig), siguro ayun ay kung paano mapatawad ang sarili ko, at kung paano mahalin ang sarili ko.

Natatakot ako magmahal ng ibang tao, kasi alam kong hindi ko maiibibigay ang pagmamahal na hinahanap nila kung sarili ko nga ay di ko matanggap. Hanggat kaya ko, umiiwas na lang ako. Pero mahirap talaga. Alam nyo naman...

Ganun pa man, hindi ako humihinto sa paghahanap sa aking sarili. Hanggang kailan? Ewan. Sana pag nakita ko ang sarili ko, nanjan pa rin sya. Pero wala akong pagsisisihan kung umalis man sya. Kasalanan ko yun, ang tagal ko maghanap kasi. Pero magpapasalamat ako ng lubos kung nariyan pa rin sya sa araw na handa na ako.

Unti-unti, pinupulot ko na ang bawat piraso ng basag kong kaluluwa (naaaks, lalim nun ah!). Pero siryoso, kung alam nyo lang kasi yung napagdaanan ko mula nung bata pa ako... marahil mababaw yun sa iba, pero bilang bata ng mga panahong iyon, di ko maunawaan kung ano ang naging bunga nun sa kung ano mang naging ako ngayon.

Salamat sa mga taong laging nanjan sa tabi ko, at sa lahat ng naging kaibigan ko.

Di na natuto. Paulit ulit lang naman ang nangyayari, di pa rin nadadala...

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Don't be so naive, don't be so close, you idiot...

At hayun nga, sinisimulan ko nang gamutin ang sarili kong sugat. Hindi ko rin naman kasi papayagan na ganito na lang lagi ang mangyayari sa akin.

Tulad nung mga nakaraang araw, muli akong nagbalik sa pagiging aktibo sa simbahan, sa aking youth org. Kahit na alam kong hindi na ako magiging ganoon ka-aktibo tulad noon, at least, maramdaman man lang nila na di ako tuluyang umalis.

Mamaya nga lang ay magtatanghal kami ng mala-Sinakulo sa aming parokya. gaganap akong Poncio Pilato. hahahaha

Ilang weekenda na rin ako nakakabisita sa mga kamag-anak ko sa Batangas. Na-miss ko mga pinsan ko dun.

Love life 'kamo? ano yun? hahaha! wala pa rin akong ganun. Baka kumuha lang ako ng batong pamukpok sa ulo ko. Wag muna. Kahit na nainlove ako lately, alam kong hindi pwede. Basta.

Alam ko namang di pa ako tuluyang magaling, pero naniniwala akong kakayanin ko ito. Naintindihan ko rin namang di ko kaya ito mag-isa.
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Ms. K, sorry talaga dun sa nagawa ko. Salamat po at napatawad mo na ako. Di mo lang alam di ako nakatulog ng ayos nung nagalit ka sa kin. Peace na tayo ha?